Thoughts in Nowhere

My mind wanders between fandoms, fictions, and creations. I guess this is where I'll put it all.

Fandoms: Knight Rider (Original, 2000, TKR, 2008), Criminal Minds, Power Rangers Wild Force (don't laugh, I can't help it), Portal 2, Pokemon, World of Warcraft, Marvel/Avengers (mostly Loki, I admit it), and Pacific Rim

Fictions: Sci-fi/fantasy, some romance, crime, and drama.

Creations: Beaded and wirework earrings, woven bead bracelets, and occasionally a necklace.

Yes, I like slash. Consider yourself warned. All of my fanfic is posted here, slash or not, but you'll find more slash than anything else. Enjoy!

Also, you can find some questions answered here!

Got questions?

Submissions go here!

Anonymous asked: Hi, I just read that PTSD post you reblogged a couple days ago and I was wondering if you could elaborate a little more on the "internal panic attack" thing? Like, what would one of those look/feel like? I'd never thought I could have had a panic attack since I've never done the whole shaking/breathing hard/heartbeat out of control thing, so if you could tell me a little more about it or point me in the right direction for research, it would be appreciated.


Ok, so, let’s start with what a panic attack is.  Your brain receives a cue from your surroundings that it interprets as DANGER based on some sort of past trauma (it could be anything, a scent, a sound, the color blue, a specific string of words, a familiar circumstance, a doritos wrapper, it could really be anything.  i have a friend who gets panic attacks triggered by being in the same place he’s had panic attacks before because it causes his anxiety to spike because he’s so worried about having a panic attack that it causes a panic attack, i have a friend who has panic attacks when she gets too cold, i’ve had panic attacks by writing about abuse i’ve suffered because it pulled up vivid memories, etc).  

So your brain receives a cue from your environment that says DANGER based on some sort of conditioning (typically relate to some sort of past trauma in some way, again, this could be almost anything, we don’t get to pick what traumas lead to that kind of conditioning) and sends all these signals to your body to start reacting as though there is some sort of serious DANGER going on that needs to be protected against. Your body starts pumping out all sorts of hormones and chemicals (like adrenaline and various stress hormones) in an attempt to prepare you to deal with whatever DANGER your brain has perceived. These chemicals and hormones cause cause things like increased heart rate, breathing issues, tummy troubles (because digestion gets shut down since the energy is theoretically needed elsewhere), hyperactive senses, a sort of tunnel vision or intense focus, etc. 

So, that’s the kind of stuff that goes on during a panic attack just in general but it’s a little more complex than that. Most people have heard about the “flight or fight” response but that’s not actually all of it.  In reality our minds and bodies respond to DANGER with a “flight, fight, freeze, or faint” response. The outward symptoms commonly associated with panic attacks like massive amounts of uncontrollable sobbing, physically shaking, screaming, an uncontrollable urge to move around or leave the scene, etc. are all more associated with “fight or flight.”  But you can also freeze or faint.  You can essentially shut down mentally, emotionally, and/or physically if that’s what your brain decides is best for your safety in that situation (we also don’t get to pick this, out brains do that without us, it can be fight, flight, freeze, or faint completely outside of our control) and that’s just as normal and even as common as the fight or flight kind of stuff. Disassociation is also part of this freeze or faint response.  

It gets even more complex when an individual’s past history with regards to outward displays of emotion get taken into account. For instance, I’ve heard men and People of Color talk about how in our society their outward displays of emotions are considered unacceptable for various reasons and because of that they’ve been conditioned to not really have them and thus their panic attacks don’t have all those visible displays.

For me personally, part of the abuse I suffered from my father included hardcore shaming and physical battering as a response to ANY outward displays of emotion so it got to the point where it’s literally impossible for me to have any sort of outward display of emotion at all.  Like, I still to this day can’t cry and I’m almost 30 and haven’t spoken to my father in 7 years. Because of that I don’t have panic attacks that are outwardly visible.  I still have all of the physiological stuff - my heart rate spikes, my blood pressure increases to the point where I can hear my pulse ringing in my ears, I start to breath really fast, I get knots in my stomach, I have that inner “freak out” where I feel utterly terrified and entirely out of control, but if you were in my presence when that happened you wouldn’t have any idea any of that is going on because I’ve been conditioned to hide all of that through decades of abuse.  I freeze and sometimes it takes me a really long time to get out of it. Sometimes I’m even capable of “behaving normally” during a panic attack. I can have a conversation or do the dishes or drive or otherwise act like everything’s fine because acting like everything is fine when I’m experiencing intense fear is a deeply ingrained survival instinct of mine. It’s something I have no control over, it just kicks in and I end up on autopilot. None of that makes my very real and very serious panic attacks any less real or any less valid.  It’s just how my brain and body have been conditioned to respond to fear and trauma is all. We all have our stuff.

Anyway, I hope this helps and if you or anyone else has any further questions or would like to share anything feel free to send it along <3

Tagged: ptsdmental healthpanic attacks

Source: rapeculturerealities

Started trying to rewatch Knight Rider 2008.  All I’ve done is remind myself why I hated it.

After thoroughly researching the eastern carpenter bees that have taken up residence in the barn, I have decided that they can stay.  This doesn’t make me a beekeeper.  This makes me a bee tolerator.  We need the pollinators!


"why dont you just give him a chance"

idk because im not physically or mentally attracted to him and ‘but he likes you’ or ‘but hes really nice’ isnt going to change the fact that im not interested

Source: rubee

At least you didn’t have to get pins in your foot or anything! I’m glad the solution is simple enough and didn’t require surgery <3
I’m having ‘adjusting to the new brace’ pain right now, but hey, if the brace works, awesome.  It’s getting a try out at the rock show this weekend!

Unexpected Hole Dilemmas


They keep sending a different nurse to do my wound check. Which means I have to suffer through the following conversation over and over.

"So, do you work?"
"Yes, I work from home."
"What do you do?"
"I… I run a website."
"What kind of website?"
"Ummmmmmm….. It’s like… I mean… it’s hard to explain. Humorous pictures of cats are involved."



Source: antichrist-misha




What can I say anymore. you’re best!




What can I say anymore. you’re best!

Source: pow-mh-er

If you repeatedly criticize someone for liking something you don’t, they won’t stop liking it. They’ll stop liking you.
— (via aliwallacee)

Source: psych-facts